


Within You, Without You

by Haberdasher



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Biphobia, Bisexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Crushes, Gen, Gender Confusion, Gender Identity, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Transphobia, Jon Sims Bi Pride January 2021, Kiss-Averse Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Pre-Canon, School, Secret Crush, Sex-Averse Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sexual Confusion, Teen Crush, Trans Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haberdasher/pseuds/Haberdasher
Summary: The story of Jon’s first crush on a guy. Written as part of jonsimsbipride, combining the prompts of “First Time” and “Gender”.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40
Collections: bi jon sims celebration





	Within You, Without You

The boy’s name was Emmanuel Reyes.

He shared several classes with Jon and, despite not looking the part of a stereotypical nerd nearly as much as Jon himself did, always got grades on par with Jon’s own. He was a champion rugby player, and though Jon was never one to care much about sports, he found himself listening for gossip of wins or losses whenever Emmanuel was involved. He had short, wavy black hair, skin only a few shades lighter than Jon’s own, and a winning smile.

The combination of all these factors meant that, while Jon was on the outskirts of his school’s social system, Emmanuel was one of the popular kids, effortlessly fitting in with the boys and winning over the girls.

Jon thought that was what interested him most about Emmanuel, at least at first--the way he was just one of the boys, making friends with the other guys as if he was born for just that.

Perhaps Emmanuel _was_ born for just that, but Jon himself certainly wasn’t. Jon knew what he was, though, even if he hadn’t chosen his name just yet, hadn’t found a way to explain it all to his grandmother, and he longed to be close to Emmanuel, to be just another of the guys he surrounded himself with.

It wasn’t meant to be, of course; even ignoring the gender segregation of most school-based friend groups and Jon’s current struggle to break out of the role that had been prescribed his by birth, what passed for Jon’s friend group was a far cry from Emmanuel’s crowd. The closest thing Jon had to friends were others left on the outskirts, loners vaguely sticking together because they had nobody else.

Emmanuel was many things, but a loner he was not.

Jon kept paying attention to Emmanuel even as his life went on, as he slowly but surely grew into himself. Emmanuel still crossed his mind after Jon cut his hair short, after he came out to his grandmother, after he chose a new name for himself, after he stopped wearing skirts or dresses--not really because he disliked them, but because he was a boy and boys didn’t wear skirts, right? (Though when Jon mentally pictured Emmanuel trying on a skirt for size, the image... well, he certainly didn’t _object_ to it.)

If his interest in Emmanuel was just Jon finding a role model for his nascent masculinity... shouldn’t it decrease once he started becoming more masculine all on his own? But still Jon found his eyes drifting towards Emmanuel in class, overhearing bits and pieces of his conversations, giving the school’s rugby team much more attention than he had for any sport up until that point....

Maybe... maybe it was more than just seeing Emmanuel as a role model, then.

Could it be a crush?

But no, that didn’t make sense, did it? He couldn’t have a crush on a boy. Sure, _normal_ boys might have crushes on each other, but Jon didn’t fit into that category, didn’t have that luxury. Besides, he’d had crushes on girls before, as one worn, well-hidden notebook with notes devoted not to schoolwork but to singing the praises of one Sarah Wilkerson could attest.

And he didn’t- didn’t even want to kiss Emmanuel, let alone... well, do some of the things that Jon’s classmates were apparently already getting up to. (At least according to gossip; Jon took it all with a grain of salt, and rather doubted that most of them were really living out all the sexual exploits they claimed.) Jon just wanted to be around him, spend time with him, _talk_ to him (though his throat always seemed to close up when Emmanuel walked by). Was that so strange?

The butterflies in Jon’s stomach when he saw Emmanuel, or even just _thought_ of Emmanuel, did feel much the same as they had for Sarah, though. And he couldn’t entirely deny having some of the same urges to write odes to Emmanuel Reyes rather than term papers...

Jon’s feelings for Emmanuel came and went, as they had for Sarah Wilkerson before him. Jon never worked up the nerve to confess his feelings, never even knew what to say if he did. Only years after the fact, looking back at the life of his younger self after the word biromantic entered both is vocabulary and his self-image, could Jon confidently proclaim that yes, he had had a crush on another boy way back then.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, consider following me on tumblr at [haberdashing](https://haberdashing.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
